What we can learn from Aziz Ansari
Had something like the awkward sexual experience with Aziz Ansari happened to me, I would NOT publish it. Even the most successful people can be clumsy and awful in private. This should only be a matter of national interest if they were in a professional relationship, in which case it would have been sexual harassment. They weren’t, and it was not.
But now that it’s published, some things we can learn:
Even dating experts suck at dating. I’ve read Aziz’s book. It’s funny. Some good research. I loved him in Parks & Rec. But public vs. private persona are different things. Relationships and sex expose our most vulnerable, awkward, impulsive self.
The brain during sex isn’t the same brain as during rational hours. Because our cultural expectations of sex are so high, we are usually obsessed with impressing the other person. Trying too hard makes us feel nervous, and the surge in testosterone, dopamine, cortisol, to name a few, creates an inner environment that inhibits, to a certain degree, logical thinking. It prevents the choices we would make if we were sitting at home thinking calmly. Ever have sex with someone only to look at them after and think, “What was I thinking?” Before & during sex, we aren’t thinking.
Our culture’s beliefs about happiness and success are centered on sex. Girls are raised to dream of their wedding. Abundant cultural messages tell us we need to be beautiful, in order to be desirable, in order for a successful guy to want to marry us, in order for us to have safety and security in life. Boys and men think about sex dozens of times a day and derive pride from the kind of girl they can “score.” In other words, a man and a woman in bed are conditioned to really, really want it go well, so it can happen again and again. Not just hormonally conditioned, but also culturally.
Men are raised to constantly question and push through a woman’s “no.” He moved her hand towards his dick 7 times? That’s a very common thing in sexual encounters. Women are used to being nagged incessantly, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok. If a guy is hot enough, he wouldn’t have to pull my hand there more than once. Seven times means she doesn’t want to. Stop nagging her. Do something else. A “yes” after being nagged a dozen times is not a true yes. She is doing something she doesn’t want to do. That devalues her. Don’t nag. Don’t insist. Don’t force. Foreplay will do magical things for a woman. Her willingness to have sex doesn’t equal willingness to do whatever, whenever. I mean, not even with hookers, right?
Feeling threatened activates the amygdala, the fear center. If a woman feels unsafe — maybe she’s on a first date, at his apartment, with a guy more powerful than her (much has been made of Aziz’s being 5’6”, but even a short guy is stronger than most women, especially the waify girls that successful men are conditioned to be proud for scoring). Or if he keeps insisting she do sexual acts she’s not comfortable with — if she feels unsafe for any reason, her amygdala comes on board, which even further shuts down logical thinking.
A strong “no” may be available sometimes, and sometimes not. People have accused Grace of not being clear enough that she was uncomfortable. I also found myself wishing she would have clearly said the word “no” early on. I’d like to think I would have. But given all the blinders nature puts on us to make the sexual act happen — given the unfamiliarity of the situation and the way fear profoundly weakens us, the way shock shuts down our logical thinking, and given her strong desire to make a good impression, to have the date go well — I’m not surprised she couldn’t quite get up on her feet and proclaim, “No, I’m leaving.” Women, we are taught to acquiesce. We are taught to please. And we’re taught to make a good impression. We want to smooth things out & make things better. We’re taught to sacrifice. We’re taught that if we do this one gross sexual thing for you, you’ll love us & want us to come back.
First-date sex. Knowing how sexual dynamics can be impulsive, overpowering and unpredictable, despite our recent training to “just say no,” what would be of great help to women is if we were to drop the cultural expectation of first-date sex. Yes it’s fun to have the option, but most of my single millennial friends in NYC say first-date sex is expected. We need to know each other better before we put ourselves in such precarious circumstances. Had they known each other, they would have been able to read each other better, and Grace would have had more courage to say no. This is by no means a judgment on them. We do what’s expected of us. But for myself, I feel much safer later on.
When misunderstanding happens, we can have the guts & the empathy to engage with each other. I’m glad Grace told him she was uncomfortable. His response? An apology, and no more contact. That’s the best a dating expert can do? No “If you’d like to say more, I’m here to listen”? Anyone who’s been to therapy knows to ask that question. We don’t run from uncomfortable situations. We engage with others who were willing to engage with us. “What specifically…” is a magical question. “I don’t see it the same way, but I’m glad you shared” is a deeply healing answer.
Like the story Cat Person, this is an encounter so many of us can relate to. That makes many people think of this encounter as normal. Just bad sex. While it’s not harassment or assault, at least not in my definition of assault, does that mean it’s the type of encounter we should keep seeing as normal? Or can we adjust our cultural frames to where men are a bit more careful? Give the woman a bit more space? Say the words, “If you’re not comfortable, let’s stop”? Is the fact that this happens a lot, reason for it to keep happening?
Though deeply embarrassing for him, and though in his response he denies all responsibility, further tarnishing his brand, I think this is the kind of story a dating expert has offered, unwittingly, for the betterment of our society — if we ponder how we can make sex better for each other, and thus, for ourselves.
